You are leaving for college in less than two months! Exciting, nerve-racking, and a new adventure.You have a roommate that you met online, or knew from high school, or perhaps you have not met but have contact information Regardless of how well you know your future dorm partner, there are some conversations that you should have before move-in day or shortly thereafter. These conversations will be awkward at first, but trust me, if you get them out of the way in the summer, you will have a much smoother transition in the fall and begin a pattern of honest communication that will serve your relationship well in the future.
So spend some time on the basics of learning about each other through texts and phone calls, or best situation, if possible, meet one on one before move-in day to have some down to earth chats. (We met my son's roommate and his parents at a coffee shop near campus about a month before school started, we were all nervous, but so glad that we did it!)
Conversation Number One - Are you a neat freak or a slob or somewhere in-between? Understanding this about your roommate is crucial to peace in your dorm room. Come to an understanding about your expectations of each other in this regard. Discuss what will truly make you uncomfortable if you are neat and your roommate is not. For example tell your roommate if a sock on the floor is not going to be a big deal, but say "I cannot look at your dirty laundry on your bed for more than a day" This is a good statement to make out loud to your future dorm friend.
If you are a messy Marvin, you may need to think about how you can change some patterns BEFORE you arrive on campus. Purchase a big laundry basket if you are only going to do laundry once a week, or an under the bed storage container for clothes to keep out of sight. Practice making your bed if you do not already...learn some tricks to keep your items organized.
Conversation Number Two - What items of ours are for sharing?
Some people come from families that share everything, shampoo, clothes, food, shoes....others may come from single child homes where no one ever touched their stuff. Learn this about each other BEFORE you arrive on campus. There will be peace in the room if you know that it is okay to share snacks, but stay away from my expensive shampoo. If my clothes are off limits, but we can share expenses for milk and juice in the mini-fridge, it will be good to understand these parameters ahead of time. Honest conversations around expectations are crucial to roommate success. Plus, if you think you are purchasing more that your share, tell your roommate, odds are he or she does not even know this is happening and they will be glad to buck up or purchase the milk that week. Make a list of items you will share and how often you will replace them. The little details that your work out may not seem like a big deal now, but will make a big difference later in the relationship.
Conversation Number Three - How should we handle visitors?
Here are questions to answer about visitors...Do you care if my friend/relative sleeps in your bed if you are not here? Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend that may be here often? Will they spend the night? How will we handle that situation? How late should people be allowed to stop by? How early? How will I know if you are bothered by someone I know or if a person I know makes you uncomfortable? Tell me how to know if you are angry or upset.
Define the rules around visitors. Trust me, you will be glad that you can be open and honest with each other about these situations.
Conversation Number Four - How should we arrange our room?
Believe it or not this can become a conflict issue. Where the TV and microwave should live in the room, whether or not to loft the beds, can all be worked out beforehand. Draw a map with your roommate based upon the floor plan on the college website. Talk it though and know who will be bringing the big items. One person may have a game system and another a speaker system. Where will I keep my guitar or bicycle? Keep flexible and begin this planning now.
If you can navigate these four tricky topics, you and your roommate or roommates (These conversations apply to apartment or suite partners as well) will be on a path to a mutual respectful and honest partnership. The truth is, you may or may not become great friends, you may or may not connect, but if you can lay down some ground rules and learn about how to be in close proximity together, you can have a great year living in your dorm or apartment.
